she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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