Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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