I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
