my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
