i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
