Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
