ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
