Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
