atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
