My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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