wakey wakey hands off snakey
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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