apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
