honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
