8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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