also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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