sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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