im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
