Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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