It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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