All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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