trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
