i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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