he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
