If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I looked at my own cervix.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
