Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
