are you still at the devil's house?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
