he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
