bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
