Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
