just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
