What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Im part way to drunk.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
