Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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