I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
