I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
