just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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