Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
