OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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