Someone shit on the floor
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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