I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
