There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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