Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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