Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
