Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
