why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
