I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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