Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
