I accidentally had phone sex last night
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
