We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
