I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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