I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize