do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
PANTIES FOUND
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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